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[cklewis]

I'm posting this here in a public forum deliberately. A friend of mine asked me the question in the subject line. She read Kimmel's Grace-Based Parenting. Appreciated what he had to say! But then she wonders, "How does that look in the day-to-day life of parenting a toddler?"

So . . . how do you answer that question? I'm going to send her here to read this. I figured two (and more!) heads are better than one.



C

[LauraK]

It has been awhile since I read Kimmel's book, but a few things stood out to me with that one in regards to a young child.  One is that kids are different, some you put up a fence and they get no where near it, some get real close, some try to climb over, etc.  Part of it is the way a kid is wired.  That makes me think in those moments I might as well be kind while keeping my kids safe and teaching them how to behave.  It is my job to put up those fences and help my littles learn and keep them safe, but moving them away from the fence and reminding them of the rules has always seemed to work as well for me as hitting or punishing my children.  The other part with a toddler is seeing my kids as little individuals and having grace for where they are and what they are learning.  So day to day for me it means trying to see my kids as people, even when I am tired and exasperated.  Yes I am in charge but I need to be building relationship.

I don't actually think Kimmel's book for me was the most helpful in terms of practical ideas.  The main thing for me with the little ones seems to be that you just need to be physical with them and not use too many words.  I think spankers use physical punishment but I have found that just using my body to pick them up works just as well.  "No you may not climb on the table" as I am removing them from climbing.  "you need to hold my hand" as I am holding their hand.  Stuff like that. 

Another thing is  you can have empathy with a toddler while staying firm with the boundary.  It sort of sucks to be a toddler in a lot of ways.  You start having some control of your body and can start seeing things you want and wham here is mommy keeping you from getting interesting things you want.  So I think having that understanding but holding firm with boundaries that you really want to keep is useful.  Give them autonomy where you can but where it really matters hold firm and don't act out of emotions, yours or theirs. 

OK...those are my thoughts.  I just think having that gracious attitude and a spirit of forgiveness and love and thinking of how God works with us is something that being mindful of is helpful no matter what the age of your kids.  Getting away from the thinking tit for tat and punishment and revenge type stuff with your kids.

[walk2grace]

I have Kimmels book and honestly I can't seem to get into it. I don't know why. People rave and rave about it though!

[cklewis]

I have Kimmels book and honestly I can't seem to get into it. I don't know why. People rave and rave about it though!

The question's a bigger one though. It's really not about Kimmel. Kimmel has support from Dobson and such because he talks about how to show grace to a teenager. Conservative evangelicals seem befuddled about how to show grace to a toddler. So . . . what does grace-based parenting (kimmel's phrase) look like with toddlers?

C

[walk2grace]

I dont know, and that is probably why I cant get into it. It didnt set clear examples for me. So I am not sure what grace-based parenting for toddlers would be. It just leaves me with a blank. I have a friend who loves this book, and maybe I can ask her the question of what she thinks it is. See, the problem I think is that it seems geared towards older children. I am really not sure he is gentle discipline.

[MommyGirl]

I listened to Kimmel's book on tape instead of reading it, so I don't know how different it was.  It did strike me as a "catch the vision of grace in parenting" sort of thing, rather than a down-and-dirty-nitty-gritty handbook.

But I've found that a lot of the parenting books with how-to's are so easy for parents to take as a formula--and children aren't formulaic!  So, I think it is GOOD to start with idea-books even though I know with toddlers I wanted the how-to books!

For me, with toddlers and preschoolers, it was important to remember these things. . .

     Love and attachment.  I want my children to feel loved, not just know they are loved.  A lot of daily caring for, snuggling, and nurturing is important.  Not just for little ones, of course--but it is a big part of early childhood.

   I want them to know that they are God's children.  Family worship, worship at church, praying throughout the day. . .  Eventually this leads to helping my children see the sin in their lives and pointing them to Christ who has died on the cross for their sin.  Even their small, childish sins.

     I want them to keep them safe, and help them learn to be safe.  This one is a biggie for toddlers, don't you think?  It's an area where it is important to be very alert as parents as well as teach our children.  And this is where a lot of books advocate punitive ideas--spank kids to keep them from running into the road and such. 

    I want to understand child development and teach them according to where they are developmentally.  I've so often seen toddlers who are slow in hearing and responding be punished because they weren't "obeying right away," when it was more an issue of brain myelination and would be more appropriate to repeat or move and help a toddler.   Toddlers and preschoolers need a lot of repetition, a lot of consistency, clear boundaries, routine.  All these things can be done with grace and respect.

    I want to let go of making my children obey, and instead focus on helping my children obey.  Making my children obey, in my experience, is based in fear.  It leads me to be harsh.  Helping my children obey comes alongside them, and reminds me and them that we all need God's help.

[lumpofclay]

I think I'm just having issues understanding the question. I'm on my way out for the evening, but if you clarify a little exactly where the disconnect is happening for her, I may be able to help. Having parented two through toddlerhood already and in the middle of it with a third, I may have something useful to say.

[Leslie4]

Books like Crystal Lutton's Biblical Parenting and William Sears should have lots of practical ideas.

I find the opposite - lots and lots of examples of grace-based parenting and positive discipline with toddlers, but not much with mid-ages and teenagers. At least, that's what I find online with message boards and email lists.

[MommyGirl]

I find the opposite - lots and lots of examples of grace-based parenting and positive discipline with toddlers, but not much with mid-ages and teenagers. At least, that's what I find online with message boards and email lists.

Would you mind starting a thread about that?  My boys are ages 6-11 y/o--and I'm finding grace in parenting "working" when we act in grace.  (And yet, I still react punitively at times. . . and that doesn't work for us!)  But, in some ways it is easier because of the verbal/cognitive level of my children now compared to toddlerhood, you know?